Melvin (looking at his hands): I’m so glad I don’t have a hangnail.

Melvin: Being from Germany is like driving a Prius.

Jenn: Dave, you look like a hobo.
Melvin: Naaah, Dave looks awesome.

Melvin (extending his foot): These are Berkinstocks! Oh, no, these are Pumas. I thought I still had the Berkinstocks… I put myself in my past self. I got my selves confused.

Melvin: All I want is to feel comfortable and safe, and I do. I like this neighborhood.

Melvin: They walk like me. They talk like me. They make little words like I do.

Melvin (thinking): Let’s see… How do I improve cities?

Dave: What are you thinking about now, big guy?
Melvin: Maaaan, nothing really… flat tires. And ambulances.
…
Melvin: I couldn’t explain it to you. It would be like trying to describe color to a man who was born blind.

Melvin: I confused myselves.

Dave: Imagine if they leopard then wore the skin of the animal it had eaten.
Melvin: Ah man, that’d be too perfect.

Dave: I would have ripped that dream a new vag-hole.

Melvin: Dude, I will totally wipe my ass with that rabbit. “Oh yeah John Wiggins? I wipe my ass with rabbits!”

Melvin: My long term goal: to wipe my ass with live chinchillas.
Dave: I’m sure it would bit your ass and/or balls.
Melvin: Man, I’m sure I’ll have someone to tell me how to do it properly.

Melvin: I feel like I took Kevin out on a date. And it was awesome.

Jenn: You sound like Flava Flav.
Melvin: Maaan, no, I don’t want to be Flava Flav… but I do want gold teeth.

Melvin: And another thing! That pimp suit you don’t like… My mother bought me that suit!