the new resume

Dakota (about old people having sex): Gotta keep ‘em apart. They can’t help themselves.

Dakota: That’s why tomorrow will be great, it’ll almost be time for you to feed.

after running low on gas, turning the wrong way, and running into some traffic
Melvin: This is the worst day of my life.
…
Melvin: Well, maybe not the worst day, but definitely top ten.
…
Melvin: I can’t think of the worst day of my life. Oh… wait. Yes I can.
Valerie: What happened?
Melvin (shaking his head): That’s between me, the other guy, and that goat.