December 2009
272 posts
Kyle: You didn’t know that? My moms are ladies.
Kyle: You’ve never met my mom? Aled: No. Kyle: My mom would like you. You’re gentle.
Revati: I was jail bait but he always had a nice team of lawyers.
omg it's Tyler!
Tyler: Wow, Valerie… you got way more creepy since the last time I saw you.
Ryan: So… Tyler… you still give yourself enemas?
merry chritchmatch
Israel: Yeah, those pants look really good on your brother. His ass looks much better in them than it might in many other pants. Like his assless chaps.
Israel: Valerie, I smoked all your dad’s cigarettes while I was drunk. Valerie: Wow, impressive. Israel: It was must have been our Christmas miracle. Ryan: Damnit, Israel, you wasted our Christmas miracle!
Valerie: Dad, you should mount...
damnit
Catherine: What are you doing right now? Valerie: Lying in my bed… dying. Catherine: No! Being reborn!
Gabby: Well… at least you got something new for Never Have I Ever.
Ryan: Dad, you’re as funny as a dead baby.
Dad: Ryan, you’re as funny as a flat tire on a hearse.
Ryan: Dad, you’re as funny as the Civil Rights Movement.
Dad: Ryan, you’re as funny as exhumation.
Ryan: Dad, you’re as funny as a pooped bed. Valerie: That’s actually pretty funny.
Will (sweetly, to Snickers the cat): When I kill Kyle, I’ll bury you with him.
Will (imitating the cat killing itself): Meow meow! BANG.
RHChicP13: I might have found a job in california floobber: yeah, that is awesome floobber: doing what? floobber: suckn’ dick
RHChicP13: I am kind of dating Israel’s brother RHChicP13: isn’t that weird? floobber: yeah floobber: I’m reading about him in the Bible too floobber: isn’t that weird? floobber: he has done a lot of different stuff floobber: you...
status updates
Isaiah Carr Israel: “bet you won’t get me some toilet paper” me: “how much” Israel: “negative ten cents” me: “what if were out” Israel: “thats cool just grab me a loaf of 45 calorie bread”
Isaiah Carr there is two things all humans dont like, commercials, and each other.
Isaiah Carr people like to eat they also like to sleep, id...
Justin's haircut
Israel: This haircut isn’t turning out right. Justin: Great… Valerie: It looks fine. Israel: No, it makes him look fat. Justin: What…?
…
Israel: Nevermind, Justin, it’s not the haircut, it’s the pants that make you look fat. Justin: Gee, thanks, Israel. Israel: No problem. You know the saying “Friends don’t let friends drive drunk”? Well,...
Justin: you get some?!?!?!?!?!? Justin: chicka chicka YEA! Valerie: I hate you Justin: thats totally a yes
Isaac has never seen a black person
Isaac: She looks like a brown monster!
Kyle: And, just out of curiosity, who do you think invented gay? Well, fucking… Ronald Reagan, of course.
Catherine: I would love a new boyfriend. Or even a new girlfriend. I would settle for either.
up in Robie Creek
Isaiah (why Talitha’s friend isn’t a zombie): But she doesn’t eat brains. She eats comfort food.
Isaiah: Isaac, there is no magic in a young girl’s heart. In fact, it’s the only place where there isn’t any magic.
Israel: Valerie! Stop it! I’m your only friend. You’re my only friend. That’s how it works.
Israel: You know what they say? Isaiah: A whole toothbrush is better than half? Israel: Fuck...
Parma Senior Center
Julie (Israel’s mom): Her daughter is probably my age. Israel: Oh? Is she single?
Israel: On the off-chance that long life is contagious, we should hang out in places like this.
on the fogie band
Israel: They’re like Crosby, Stills, and Nash. They need some Young.
trip to Wellesley
Gabby: Wait… did I puke on the biker?
POODLE!
Christyl: Whatever. It’s more ironic than a black fly in your chardonnay.
no words… only screams
Emily: *drops her bowl of potato soup all over herself and Jacob* Karyn: *just screams*
Emily: So how much of this campus do you want to see? Valerie: Probably every square foot, I’m thinking. Jacob: Yes, yes definitely. Probably twice to...
road trip to Portland (the road trip wasn't the...
Kyle: I sure do got the sniffles!
Kyle: Everyone else is always fully of Christmas cheer, and I’m just full of snot!
Kyle (holding up a guitar handle): Doesn’t this look like a squirrel?
Seth: Heeelp! Hello? Hello, I can’t find my nuts! I’m going to starve during the winter! Heeelp!
Excuse me. Sorry. Wow. Kyle: Aww, grandpa, that’s adorable. Good thing, too, otherwise we’d all be so...
on the ultimate personality test
Noah Feder: I’m like Obama… the “Inspirer.” Israel: Yeah, Noah, you inspire me to want to kill myself.
at the fair
Israel: I really like these baskets! African Man: Ah, yes, and your mom will like them too! Israel: Yeah… I don’t like my mom though.
Bob (my high school English teacher): This falls under cooking and cleaning, which is part of your job as a woman.
Kat Chen keeps having really weird dreams that consistently involve her messing up in a play directed by Valerie E. King.
“I have no idea! And this time it was Val directing “Our Town”, a play I’ve never even read! And my only friend in the cast was Christyl’s boyfriend Kyle who had mysteriously grown a beard and become Jewish! :/”
stolen from Meaghan's resume... too funny
Meaghan B. Daley: it’s boas’s birthday Meaghan B. Daley: i feel bad about her dad Elizabeth A. Stone: i know :-/ Elizabeth A. Stone: either a beaver or a pig is dead
thanks for the money Daddy
JKing83569 (6:24:58 PM): You are most welcome for the mooshkas I had to use Imperial mooshkas instead of the standard Federation mooshkas, but your bank didn’t seem to mind——-God bless them
Joyce: Hahah you should become a magician
RHChicP13 (2:23:18 AM): goodnight nunby Mara 875 (2:23:23 AM): goodnight asshole
RHChicP13 (12:44:30 AM): http://www.threadless.com/product/1886/A_Banana_Slipping_on_a_Banana_Peel Mara 875 (12:45:00 AM): haha so meta
Valerie: I was going to go sunbathing today. Ryan (laughing): Are you joking?!?! … (quite serious) I was going to go sunbathing today!
Valerie E. King[12:09:47 AM]: I want us all to live in the 50s Elizabeth A. Stone[12:09:56 AM]: so you can call me betty? Valerie E. King[12:09:59 AM]: then you could own the name betty
meaghandaley@mac.com (12:11:37 AM): Elizabeth A. Stone[12:11:20 AM]: Valerie E. King[12:09:47 AM]: I want us all to live in the 50s Elizabeth A. Stone[12:09:56 AM]: so you can call me betty? Valerie E....
kings
the rule: you must answer to the name of the person on your left ok… everyone introduce yourself
Rachel: I’m EJ… not even going to try to pronounce your last name. EJ: Chen?
Michelle: You drank all my water! John: Yes, yes I did. It was delicious. Michelle: Great. John: It’ll make for a nice, fine piss later.
Christine: So… you’re older than her. Michelle: I am? John: Yeah, because she’s born on the 16ths and you’re born on the 10th. Michelle: Oh yeah! John: Yeah, just like I’m older than my grandfather.
Melissa Chu: They’re playboys… of the Wellesley World.
Meaghan Daley: It’s like Tuesday night drinking… for lame people.
Samantha L Cooper to Rachel A Kaston: Also. Does Danny Bolton think I’m a man?
Kenneth Loewit writes: ……just say all the things I would say…….you know …channel the ken……..
Disclaimer: Ken cannot be responsible for possible consequences that may arise from “channeling the ken”
Amalina: if I ever introduce you to my folks we’d be playing god
Elizabeth: More mint for us. (Maniacally) Tonight we feast!
Meaghan: You disrespect me. I laid said forks.
Meaghan (in Algernon’s voice): A third nipple! I’d sooner die!
Kaston: I don’t understand why she doesn’t just have sex with her. Valerie: She’s married… and has two kids. Kaston: So? Valerie: Yeah… you’re right. Doesn’t stop me and Hodge! Kaston: … Yes, it does.
Valerie: I’m gonna move into hodge’s house on july 22 Valerie: I HAVE SUCH A GIANT CRUSH ON HODGE Christyl: who?! Valerie: I MADE THOMAS HODGE ON LIZBETH’S SIMS 2 SO I COULD HAVE SEX WITH HIM Christyl: do i know this kid? Valerie: he’s a russian professor Christyl: you’re ridiculous
Christyl: oh man the dream turned crush Christyl: that happens so much to me i...
Elizabeth: Ew! I drank my spit water.
Elizabeth (in a Russian accent): I have very nice Oriental rug.
Ken: I don’t want to go to the man meeting. I want to stay and play with girls.
Amalina K. Dave writes: I waited like a bird of prey. You were not online. So I tried to breakdance in protest.
And I smashed a flowerpot. With my elbow. Now my elbow hates you.
You should see my elbow trying to whup my boob’s ass.
Amalina K. Dave[1:28:19 PM]: I miss you so, I feel like I’m a disembodied turnip Amalina K. Dave[1:28:27 PM]: and a turnip isn’t shite without it’s body Amalina K. Dave[1:28:31 PM]: is just..leaves Valerie E. King[1:28:38 PM]: you’re more than leaves Valerie E. King[1:28:43 PM]: you’re the tur to my nip Amalina K. Dave[1:28:56 PM]: (shh, don’t talk dirty,...
Elizabeth: Tonight is the night I become McBee’s bride. Meaghan: Where is she, the lucky lady?
Danny Bolton: Who is Sam Cooper? You guys mentioned him earlier.
Rachel: Do people eat camels? Ken: Only the toes.
Elizabeth: He was so hot that I would blow a thousand Elvis impersonators with funky spunk and dandruff just to be in between his buttcheeks when he farted.
Francesca: This is going in my memory book.
Some Guy: It’s a good day at the brewery.
... and don't call me shirley
Emily Peters: I LOVE YOU, VALERIE’S MOM!
Meaghan (about my mom): Was she drunk before she got here?
Brittany: Yeah, my whole family is blonde, except for my dad and I. We call ourselves “the negroes.”
Brittany: That’s because there’s only three black people in my town. And I’m one of them.
Elizabeth: Where’s the ice? Valerie: Well… name a place where cold things come from. Meaghan: Your heart.