January 2012
1 post
Kolja: Can you find someone to bring along? Melvin: I’ll bring Angie. Kolja: It’s a romantic dinner. Melvin: Oh… it’s a romantic dinner? I can’t bring Angie to a romantic dinner. I’ll bring Kevin.
Kolja: That’s always been one of my fantasies: to brush my teeth in bed next to a naked woman.
December 2011
2 posts
Andrew: You are a strawberry shortcake. You’re red, white, and short.
Andrew: You haven’t changed once since I met you.
November 2011
2 posts
Nick: Shut up, bitch. Melvin: Hey! Hey! Do not call Valerie a bitch. She’s a whore.
Valerie: What is expensive and tiny? Andrew: My penis! … Andrew: Just kidding. My penis is cheap and huge.
October 2011
3 posts
leadership conference
Melvin: … did I cry last night?
now I can rent a car
Dave: Kolja, what do you know about adverbs? Kolja: I think I’ve heard of those before. … Kolja: They make you sound more sophisticated, for sure. (Pause.) Surely.
Melvin’s dwindling generosity
Melvin: You’ve survived 25 years. You deserve congratulations. In fact, I’m gonna buy you a present for that… Actually, maybe just a beer… If someone gives me a...
Gabby: tpain is so natural
September 2011
3 posts
Melvin: Have you ever seen me public display of affection anyone?
Jenn: Val, I’m going crazy… slowly… but surely… Shirley King.
Jenn: Val, you look like a yoga instructor.
Dakota (about old people having sex): Gotta keep ‘em apart. They can’t help themselves.
Dakota: That’s why tomorrow will be great, it’ll almost be time for you to feed.
after running low on gas, turning the wrong way, and running into some traffic Melvin: This is the worst day of my life. … Melvin: Well, maybe not the worst day, but definitely top ten. …...
drugs
Melvin (looking at his hands): I’m so glad I don’t have a hangnail.
Melvin: Being from Germany is like driving a Prius.
Jenn: Dave, you look like a hobo. Melvin: Naaah, Dave looks awesome.
Melvin (extending his foot): These are Berkinstocks! Oh, no, these are Pumas. I thought I still had the Berkinstocks… I put myself in my past self. I got my selves confused.
Melvin: All I...
August 2011
5 posts
Peter: I want to learn how to rap like a gangster.
Dave (yeah, my boss): You’ve seen my ass. Val, you’ve seen my ass, right?
Melvin: I’d be a good homeless guy.
Melvin: Can I have some red plum wine? Asian Waitress: Led prum line? Ok. (Walks away.) Dave: Who knows what you’re about to get.
(about my joke) Andrew: Send me an email. I want to read it and laugh on my own...
Kasi: You always have boyfriends. or at least a guy hanging around who is like…iin love with you or something xD Valerie: yes, my milkshake does bring some boys to my yard Valerie: hahahaha Kasi: dead.
Matt: Am I gonna get finger-banged?
Andrew: I’m full of correct answers. Solutions, if you will.
on Quill
Jenn’s Alex: They don’t have any LRG on there. Jenn: Yeah, they don’t have any sweet clothing lines. Alex: What about people who are trying to chill on casual Friday?
gee, thanks
Kolja: It’s funny watching you think something is funny. You have entertainment value.
Kolja and Dave: Straight Eye for the German Guy.
July 2011
8 posts
Kolja: So the Inuits have over 60 different words for different kinds of snow. How many different words do you have for potato? … Kolja: Oh you thought that was funny? Now I am happy.
Isaiah: so im watching a show about the unibomber and i guess he didnt make eye contact as a baby Isaiah: neat fun fact right Valerie: very neat fun fact Valerie: it explains everything really Isaiah: right so from now on when ever i see a baby i will try to make eye contact with it and if it doesnt i will inform the mother of said child they gave birth to baby unibomber
(commercial shows bratty kid throwing popcorn all over the living room)
Melvin: I’d whoop his ass. I’d be like, “You’re goin’ night-night.” Nick: You’re going night-night, bitch.
me: he’s so generous in that way I feel like I get like 20 burritos each time (burritos = orgasms) Melissa: …thanks I…I got that.
alexander pollard: ok im going to go to bed today alexander pollard: and by today alexander pollard: i mean now
where else to start?
Melvin: Shit, I wish I had sixty thousand dollars in my bank account right now. I would totally get sushi.
June 2011
3 posts
catch phrase
(please note: Matt went to college for eight years)
(…eight years)
Matt (frowns): It’s the opposite of a smile! It’s what the Grinch would do.
Answer: Grin
Matt: It’s the things that make you snore!
Answer: Tonsils
Matt: What does Valerie munch on? Dave: Cock! Jenn: Carpet! Matt: Correct.
Dave: It’s the thing that Matt has none of. (in rapid succession:)...
“I feel like you’ve had a lot of experience with testicles.”
– Alex
“You’re like a shape-shifting super-babe.”
– Alex
May 2011
4 posts
romantic weekend
This weekend WILL be magical GOD DAMNIT.
- letter from Alex
may 21, 2011
Alex: I’m gonna be so pissed if the world ends tomorrow!
Me: Yeah! I love Zac Efron! (Nick looks at me. I expect him to make a sarcastic comment.) Nick (whispers): Me too!
Dave: Nick, yesterday you interviewed a tiny white girl, so today, you’re going to interview a large black man.
Dave: I gave birth to her. Out of my butt.
April 2011
1 post
Israel: i have been learning so much Israel: like malagasy and how to cry Israel: openly in the arms of a stranger Valerie: a stranger? Valerie: you’re right Valerie: I don’t often cry in the arms of strangers Valerie: how many times have you done that? Israel: who could count Israel: the count, thats who Israel: one ahahah Israel: two ahaahaha Israel: three strangers. AH aH AH
March 2011
2 posts
yeah, exactly
Isaiah: so val hows the new dude? Valerie: he’s great Valerie: he’s kinda gay Valerie: but that’s how I like ‘em Valerie: but he’s adorable Isaiah: just like me Isaiah: you like gayish dudes that like girls
“You’re the only bitch in my life.”
– Alex
February 2011
11 posts
“For the first month of Felicity and Ricardo’s affair, they greeted one...”
– Isaiah: It was judged the worst possible opening line for a novel, but I find it to be pure gold.
please put Gabby on the phone
Alex: What’s your favorite Shakespeare play? Valerie: King Lear. Alex: Is that the sequel to Richard III?
how Dave motivates us
“Our new enemy! … is Elijah Medge.”
Text message later that day: Medge thinks you’re a pussy.
“We’re also up against Joe Nolan… who sounds like he should either be a sports broadcaster or the host of The Man Show.”
“I have learned the secret to motivating you guys! … it’s Medge.”
“Our new competitor is a name...
George is coming!
Valerie: I’m gonna give him a hug. Dave: You can do that. Melvin: I’m gonna give him a handshake. Dave: You have to give him a blowjob.
once
Melvin: Is that movie good? Dave: If you want to get laid, it’s good. Melvin: Hey, can I borrow this movie for… ever?
Dave (about Matt’s shaggy hair): Matt, you’re wolfin’ out. When you gonna go cap that app?
Matt: My favorite smells are the beach, and me.
me: maybe someday you’ll understand me: you know, when you’re older Alex: Maybe one day you can stop being such a bitch Alex: you know, Alex: when your dead
we're really close
me: hello person Gabby: hello other person
“There’s no such thing as a good-looking Jew… What? Are you Jewish?”
– Alex Pollard (to me)
me: everyone wanted to look at Pollard and say hi to him me: he got all shy me: it was so funny Gabby: hahaha Gabby: he’s like bambi
me: it’s a fine progrum me: (I like pronouncing program “progrum”. try it, you’ll feel like a douche) Gabby: gross Gabby: i feel significantly douchier
Gabby: haha yeah Gabby: or maybe she’s high on the crazy/hot...
blatant plagiarism
Gabby: I’m also tempted to steal your old hemingway paper but i dont really want to
January 2011
14 posts
Dave: Alright, sir, I understand you don’t want to buy any toner. But, are you circumsized?
Nick: The girls got Chamblee’d in your car this week.
Melvin (fascinated, looking at his screen): Look, that is an erect micro-penis. What would you even do with that?
Melvin: Is there such thing as a macro-clitoris? Dave: Yes, it is also called a micro-penis.
Melvin: I think I’m...
yeah, he's an organizational consultant
Adam: Hey, listen, drugs are bad, mmmkay? Jennifer: I don’t do drugs, Adam. Adam: Well. Maybe you should start.
Me: Ok, I’m gonna send you some recipes to cook food. Alex: Alright, just remember: I can’t read, I can’t measure things, and I can’t follow directions.
“Let me tell you, it is way easier to sell Quill than it is to sell Jesus.”
– Josiah Adams, the married former minster/Quill representative who drives a Ford Taurus
midatlantic
making a reservation
Any other specific requests for your reservation?
“I’m half retarded and my girlfriend’s a bitch, can you put us near the bathroom?” - Pollard