Kolja: Can you find someone to bring along?
Melvin: I’ll bring Angie.
Kolja: It’s a romantic dinner.
Melvin: Oh… it’s a romantic dinner?  I can’t bring Angie to a romantic dinner.  I’ll bring Kevin.

Kolja: That’s always been one of my fantasies: to brush my teeth in bed next to a naked woman.

Andrew: You are a strawberry shortcake.  You’re red, white, and short.

Andrew: You haven’t changed once since I met you.

Nick: Shut up, bitch.
Melvin: Hey! Hey! Do not call Valerie a bitch. She’s a whore.

Valerie: What is expensive and tiny?
Andrew: My penis!
…
Andrew: Just kidding. My penis is cheap and huge.

Melvin: … did I cry last night?

Dave: Kolja, what do you know about adverbs?
Kolja: I think I’ve heard of those before.
…
Kolja: They make you sound more sophisticated, for sure. (Pause.) Surely.

Melvin’s dwindling generosity

Melvin: You’ve survived 25 years. You deserve congratulations. In fact, I’m gonna buy you a present for that… Actually, maybe just a beer… If someone gives me a free one… And I’ll split it with you.  

Gabby:  tpain is so natural

Melvin: Have you ever seen me public display of affection anyone?

Jenn: Val, I’m going crazy… slowly… but surely… Shirley King.

Jenn: Val, you look like a yoga instructor.

Dakota (about old people having sex): Gotta keep ‘em apart. They can’t help themselves.

Dakota: That’s why tomorrow will be great, it’ll almost be time for you to feed.

after running low on gas, turning the wrong way, and running into some traffic
Melvin: This is the worst day of my life.
…
Melvin: Well, maybe not the worst day, but definitely top ten.
…
Melvin: I can’t think of the worst day of my life. Oh… wait. Yes I can.
Valerie: What happened?
Melvin (shaking his head): That’s between me, the other guy, and that goat.

Melvin (looking at his hands): I’m so glad I don’t have a hangnail.

Melvin: Being from Germany is like driving a Prius.

Jenn: Dave, you look like a hobo.
Melvin: Naaah, Dave looks awesome.

Melvin (extending his foot): These are Berkinstocks! Oh, no, these are Pumas. I thought I still had the Berkinstocks… I put myself in my past self. I got my selves confused.

Melvin: All I want is to feel comfortable and safe, and I do. I like this neighborhood.

Melvin: They walk like me. They talk like me. They make little words like I do.

Melvin (thinking): Let’s see… How do I improve cities?

Dave: What are you thinking about now, big guy?
Melvin: Maaaan, nothing really… flat tires. And ambulances.
…
Melvin: I couldn’t explain it to you. It would be like trying to describe color to a man who was born blind.

Melvin: I confused myselves.

Dave: Imagine if they leopard then wore the skin of the animal it had eaten.
Melvin: Ah man, that’d be too perfect.

Dave: I would have ripped that dream a new vag-hole.

Melvin: Dude, I will totally wipe my ass with that rabbit. “Oh yeah John Wiggins? I wipe my ass with rabbits!”

Melvin: My long term goal: to wipe my ass with live chinchillas.
Dave: I’m sure it would bit your ass and/or balls.
Melvin: Man, I’m sure I’ll have someone to tell me how to do it properly.

Melvin: I feel like I took Kevin out on a date. And it was awesome.

Jenn: You sound like Flava Flav.
Melvin: Maaan, no, I don’t want to be Flava Flav… but I do want gold teeth.

Melvin: And another thing! That pimp suit you don’t like… My mother bought me that suit!

Peter: I want to learn how to rap like a gangster.

Dave (yeah, my boss): You’ve seen my ass. Val, you’ve seen my ass, right?

Melvin: I’d be a good homeless guy.

Melvin: Can I have some red plum wine?
Asian Waitress: Led prum line? Ok.
(Walks away.)
Dave: Who knows what you’re about to get.

(about my joke)
Andrew: Send me an email. I want to read it and laugh on my own time.

Val: Wow, this girl got gang-banged by nine hundred and nineteen people in one day!
Melvin: Holy shit! Val, that’s like 6 more than you have!

Kasi: You always have boyfriends. or at least a guy hanging around who is like…iin love with you or something xD
Valerie: yes, my milkshake does bring some boys to my yard
Valerie: hahahaha
Kasi: dead.

Matt: Am I gonna get finger-banged?

Andrew: I’m full of correct answers. Solutions, if you will.

Jenn’s Alex: They don’t have any LRG on there.
Jenn: Yeah, they don’t have any sweet clothing lines.
Alex: What about people who are trying to chill on casual Friday?